Fellow feline astronauts, let's address the elephant in the airlock — or rather, the hairball floating past the navigation console. As your captain, I've seen things in zero-G that would make your whiskers curl. But nothing — NOTHING — prepared me for what happened last Tuesday.
The Zero-G Hairball Problem
On Earth, a hairball simply lands on your human's favorite rug. A small act of revenge. A tiny trophy. In space? It becomes an orbiting projectile of fur and regret, spinning gracefully through the cabin like the world's most disgusting satellite.
Last Tuesday, Lieutenant Mittens coughed one up near the oxygen recycler, and we had to evacuate Deck 7 for three hours. The hairball achieved stable orbit around the coffee machine. Engineering says it may be there permanently. We've named it Kevin.
Prevention Tips from the Space Vet
Dr. Pawsworth has issued the following mandatory guidelines after the Kevin Incident:
Groom yourself BEFORE entering the zero-gravity chamber. We cannot stress this enough.
If you feel a hairball coming on, aim for the designated Hairball Containment Unit (the blue bag, NOT the captain's helmet).
Avoid grooming near sensitive equipment. We lost a $2 million spectrometer to a particularly fluffy one last month.
Long-haired breeds must wear the regulation Fur Containment Suit during all EVA activities.
The Bottom Line
Remember, crew: a tidy cat is a safe cat. And a safe cat is one who doesn't clog the air filtration system with premium-grade tabby fur. Kevin is watching you. Kevin is always watching.
In space, no one can hear you hack up a hairball. But everyone can see it float past their face during breakfast. — Captain Whiskers, Ship's Manual, Section 47